Marriage Recipe #1

Recently, I have been thinking about the workings of a marriage.  I am by no means an expert.  I only have a little over 3 years of marriage under my belt.  I know I have a long way to go before I can give real advice.  I mean if I think about it, I've had a longer relationship with my favorite pair of jeans than I have with my husband. But I really hope that we are part of that elite group of couples who "make it".  I'm fairly certain we will.

I mean, there is the simple fact that I have threatened to hunt my husband down and kill him if he ever leaves me. 

Also ,I am spawned from a relationship that began over 47 years ago. Read "47 Memories".  And every time I look at my parents I see us.  Now, in someways that's really scary because what woman ever wants to admit they are just like their mother? But I am.  


Yeah, I said it.


I am controlling, stubborn, sarcastic, and emotional. Sounds just like mom!  And my hubby is just like my dad. He's quiet, laid-back, slow to anger, patient. Complete opposites but...

And though my parents may fight like cats and dogs after 47 years of marriage; I know that they wouldn't change a thing.  They love each other down to the bone.


So other than threats and it being in my blood, I also wasn't naive coming into this marriage.  We both made sure that we knew each other very well before we decided to get married.  We lived with each other and learned each other's habits and ways of thinking.  We know that we are who we are and we can't change each other.  And that, my friends, is the kicker.



WE CAN'T CHANGE EACH OTHER.


This is why I think many marriages/relationships fail. Many people believe that they can change a person.  You can't change anyone except yourself.  You can't just sober up a alcoholic, because you wish it.  The alcoholic must choose to enter into rehab and start the recovery process.  You can't change a ho into a housewife.  Oh wait, sorry that was a 2pac song.  But Mr. Shakur was right, you can't.


I knew exactly what I was getting into when I decided on marriage.  I didn't once think...
"Oh well, he'll stop doing that when we get married" 
or 
"That's ok, he'll change that for me". 


 I thought "Ok, he does this _____ am I ok with it? Can I live with this for the rest of my life?"

Many people forget or don't realize that change only happens internally.  They get blinded by a sparkly ring and a big wedding.  They get so caught up "being in love", that they don't know that love is actually accepting another person, flaws and all.

Women tend to overlook the fact that maybe their man is really a superficial douche bag. You may be young and hot today.  But when you push out 3 kids and work full time, you start to look a little rough around the edges.   However, your husband still wants to come home to the hottie he married.  So, when he ends up cheating on you with little miss hot stuff, can you really get mad?

Now don't go crazy on me people.  Just listen!

I mean if he told you from the beginning  "It's important that my girl always looks good".  Did you really listen to him?  Or did your translate that into "Baby, you're beautiful".  Because if you really listened you would have followed that statement with a line of questioning. " What do you mean by ALWAYS?".  "Like if I gain 100 lbs you won't love me anymore? If I get hit by a bus and I'm horribly disfigured you will leave me?". "How about if I get lazy for a couple of months and don't go to my threading salon and I have a forest growing where eyebrows should be, will you still love me?"

Ok, yes I used a very superficial example.  But it's these simple little statements that get dismissed.  These are clues as to the type of person you are dating.  It's a part of getting to know each other.  It's called communication. 

Yes, communication.  Sounds so simple, everyone knows this is important but so few people actually practice this age old art.  Talk it out people.  Don't talk it out with your boys, don't call the ladies and have a sobfest when you are having relationship problems.


TALK IT OUT WITH EACH OTHER.

Only the two of you know your relationship inside and out. Don't try to compare you're relationship to anyone else's. And you can't scream and you can't yell.  You can't accuse and you can't lie.  Don't ask a question that you don't want to know the answer to.  Don't ask a question and assume you already know the answer.  Don't assume the other person knows how you are feeling.  Tell them what you are feeling and why.  And then actually LISTEN and try to understand.  A little bit of give and take.

And somehow, I have turned this post into a Dr. Phil episode.  My deepest apologies.  


Back to my point...  

Oh, right.  What makes a marriage work? Well, mine will because I say it will.  And because divorce is not an option.  My husband and I always think of Will Smith** during his interview with Ellen Degeneres in 2008.

"What I found is divorce just can’t be an option. It’s really that simple. And I think that’s the problem with L.A. – there are so many options. So a huge part of the success for [Jada] and I is that we just removed the other options.”

I completely agree.  When you rule out any other option when times get tough, you absoultely have to work things out. 

 

We're not perfect and we don't expect each other to be. He always keeps me in check when the crazy in me comes out.  And I'm his rock when he can't do it all by himself.  When we decided that we were going to get married, we decided on forever.  We decided that our lives together are far better than our lives apart.  And as long as we hold on to that thought, that single notion, that we make each other better just by being together.  Well, then I think we have a pretty good shot.  And on that note, cue sappy love quote...

So it's not going to be easy.  It's going to be really hard.  And we're going to have to work at this every day.  But I want to do that because I want you.  I want all of you, forever, every day. 

                                           ~The Notebook

** I refuse to believe any of the rumors that Will and Jada's marriage is on the rocks.  Simply because that will totally ruin my whole strategy.