Marriage Recipe #1

Recently, I have been thinking about the workings of a marriage.  I am by no means an expert.  I only have a little over 3 years of marriage under my belt.  I know I have a long way to go before I can give real advice.  I mean if I think about it, I've had a longer relationship with my favorite pair of jeans than I have with my husband. But I really hope that we are part of that elite group of couples who "make it".  I'm fairly certain we will.

I mean, there is the simple fact that I have threatened to hunt my husband down and kill him if he ever leaves me. 

Also ,I am spawned from a relationship that began over 47 years ago. Read "47 Memories".  And every time I look at my parents I see us.  Now, in someways that's really scary because what woman ever wants to admit they are just like their mother? But I am.  


Yeah, I said it.


I am controlling, stubborn, sarcastic, and emotional. Sounds just like mom!  And my hubby is just like my dad. He's quiet, laid-back, slow to anger, patient. Complete opposites but...

And though my parents may fight like cats and dogs after 47 years of marriage; I know that they wouldn't change a thing.  They love each other down to the bone.


So other than threats and it being in my blood, I also wasn't naive coming into this marriage.  We both made sure that we knew each other very well before we decided to get married.  We lived with each other and learned each other's habits and ways of thinking.  We know that we are who we are and we can't change each other.  And that, my friends, is the kicker.



WE CAN'T CHANGE EACH OTHER.


This is why I think many marriages/relationships fail. Many people believe that they can change a person.  You can't change anyone except yourself.  You can't just sober up a alcoholic, because you wish it.  The alcoholic must choose to enter into rehab and start the recovery process.  You can't change a ho into a housewife.  Oh wait, sorry that was a 2pac song.  But Mr. Shakur was right, you can't.


I knew exactly what I was getting into when I decided on marriage.  I didn't once think...
"Oh well, he'll stop doing that when we get married" 
or 
"That's ok, he'll change that for me". 


 I thought "Ok, he does this _____ am I ok with it? Can I live with this for the rest of my life?"

Many people forget or don't realize that change only happens internally.  They get blinded by a sparkly ring and a big wedding.  They get so caught up "being in love", that they don't know that love is actually accepting another person, flaws and all.

Women tend to overlook the fact that maybe their man is really a superficial douche bag. You may be young and hot today.  But when you push out 3 kids and work full time, you start to look a little rough around the edges.   However, your husband still wants to come home to the hottie he married.  So, when he ends up cheating on you with little miss hot stuff, can you really get mad?

Now don't go crazy on me people.  Just listen!

I mean if he told you from the beginning  "It's important that my girl always looks good".  Did you really listen to him?  Or did your translate that into "Baby, you're beautiful".  Because if you really listened you would have followed that statement with a line of questioning. " What do you mean by ALWAYS?".  "Like if I gain 100 lbs you won't love me anymore? If I get hit by a bus and I'm horribly disfigured you will leave me?". "How about if I get lazy for a couple of months and don't go to my threading salon and I have a forest growing where eyebrows should be, will you still love me?"

Ok, yes I used a very superficial example.  But it's these simple little statements that get dismissed.  These are clues as to the type of person you are dating.  It's a part of getting to know each other.  It's called communication. 

Yes, communication.  Sounds so simple, everyone knows this is important but so few people actually practice this age old art.  Talk it out people.  Don't talk it out with your boys, don't call the ladies and have a sobfest when you are having relationship problems.


TALK IT OUT WITH EACH OTHER.

Only the two of you know your relationship inside and out. Don't try to compare you're relationship to anyone else's. And you can't scream and you can't yell.  You can't accuse and you can't lie.  Don't ask a question that you don't want to know the answer to.  Don't ask a question and assume you already know the answer.  Don't assume the other person knows how you are feeling.  Tell them what you are feeling and why.  And then actually LISTEN and try to understand.  A little bit of give and take.

And somehow, I have turned this post into a Dr. Phil episode.  My deepest apologies.  


Back to my point...  

Oh, right.  What makes a marriage work? Well, mine will because I say it will.  And because divorce is not an option.  My husband and I always think of Will Smith** during his interview with Ellen Degeneres in 2008.

"What I found is divorce just can’t be an option. It’s really that simple. And I think that’s the problem with L.A. – there are so many options. So a huge part of the success for [Jada] and I is that we just removed the other options.”

I completely agree.  When you rule out any other option when times get tough, you absoultely have to work things out. 

 

We're not perfect and we don't expect each other to be. He always keeps me in check when the crazy in me comes out.  And I'm his rock when he can't do it all by himself.  When we decided that we were going to get married, we decided on forever.  We decided that our lives together are far better than our lives apart.  And as long as we hold on to that thought, that single notion, that we make each other better just by being together.  Well, then I think we have a pretty good shot.  And on that note, cue sappy love quote...

So it's not going to be easy.  It's going to be really hard.  And we're going to have to work at this every day.  But I want to do that because I want you.  I want all of you, forever, every day. 

                                           ~The Notebook

** I refuse to believe any of the rumors that Will and Jada's marriage is on the rocks.  Simply because that will totally ruin my whole strategy.

47 Memories

Dear Mommy and Daddy-

In honor of your anniversary, I decided to list 47 memories of our family. Because without your love and commitment to each other, I would not be here and I would not have all these wonderful memories to call upon. It's funny how much I feel that Ty and I are like you two. And I sincerely hope that we have at least half the strength and love that you two have for each other. I know that marriage is not easy and it takes hard work. Nowadays, people don't even try and give up too easily or they get married for the wrong reasons. Since I was brought up in a household where the husband respected and treated his wife as an equal, I made sure I looked for that in my relationship. So, thank you for giving me these experiences that I can think back on and smile. And hopefully, you will read these and continue to smile with each other.

1- Listening to Nat King Cole and Johnny Mathis Christmas Records

2- Staying up until 5am in the morning watching TV with Mommy when we first got cable and the new big screen.

3- Road trips to Louisiana and stopping at waffle house and Popeyes

4- Road trips to Connecticut and stopping at KFC

5- Making apple Pie with Mommy

6- Going into dramatics when Mommy would make fruit salad, because I hated it.

7- Watching over 15 VHS tapes of recorded Christmas Movies and TV specials every holiday season. Daddy's favorite: the grinch (animated) Mommy's favorite: The snowman

8- Telling Mommy, I was going to marry my brother when I grew up. And me not understanding when she said I couldn't.

9- The broken wooden paddle in the kitchen that was duct taped together. It was broken on my brother's butt before I was born and my parents never had to use it again! (sidenote for 21st century parents, kids need a good smack once in awhile!)

10- Waking up early Saturday morning and trying to put on the TV without waking anyone up. This was very difficult since we had the old TV that had the button you had to pull and the dials made loud clicking noises when you turned them to change channels.

11- Singing along to Disney soundtracks in the car with daddy.

12- Helping Mommy hang up laundry on the clothesline

13- Stacking wood. I hated doing that!

14- Trying to roller skate in the house with fisher price "my first skates". You know the ones that buckled over your shoes.

15- Getting picked up from school every Wednesday for ballet practice and having Chinese food for dinner

16- Camping...too many good ones to list

17- Daddy shooting the rabid raccoons in the backyard. Don't tell PETA

18- Catching my first fish at swinging bridge

19- Father/daughter dinner dance and daddy wearing that corduroy blazer

20- Daddy's Indiana Jones hat

21- Being the only ones in the theater watching Cinderella when it was re-released.

22- Going to the Orange Plaza and getting orange Julius' and chocolate croissants

23- Twilight zone marathons on New Year's Eve, when they were on channel 11

24- Watching Friday night videos and daddy singing along to LL cool J's Big Ole Butt

25- Daddy taking me to my hair appointments to get my hair relaxed

26- My parents dancing up a storm at my brother's wedding

27- Unknowingly swimming with sharks at grand isle in Louisiana and daddy saying they were just dolphins

28- Doing shots with my sister and mom in Jamaica

29- Eating at El bandido and Daddy having too many mexican coffees. We had to hang out at Media Play for a while before he could drive home.

30-Practicing parallel parking at the high school. I have never been able to do it again since my road test.

31- Mommy loosing her glasses in the ocean when we visited my brother in Atlantic city

32- Mommy being upset she couldn't see the prostitutes on the corner at Atlantic city because she lost her glasses

33- Latch hook with mommy

34- Computer fairs with daddy

35- Running the kids race at the orange classic and getting robbed a trophy! I totally won that, we know the truth!

36- Hearing stories of Mom and Dad riding on a motorcycle together. I still can't imagine this.
37- Going to the city every Christmas to see the tree.

38- Birthday dinners at Gasho and getting bopped on the head

39- Eating dinner together every night while watching NBC news and Roseanne reruns.

40- Mom and Dad cheering me on at my track meets

41- Taking my sister to the ER when she sprained her ankle during softball.  I wanted her crutches so bad!
42- Feeding carrots and apples to our horse, Jimmy.
43- Baking pumpkin cookies for Thanksgiving.

44- Going grocery shopping with Mommy. At Lloyd's I would get a free cookie and we would have lunch at the little restaurant.

45- Watching trashy movies and Dawson's Creek with mommy

46- Watching Buffy and Roswell with daddy

47- Saturday trips to the library or the used book store.